A Career Path?
Because current law and popular misconceptions are prejudiced against men in relationships, there are new roles in society for women.
Most of the Family Law debate centers around the fathers and their struggles to be a part of their children's lives. It's an intense, highly-moralized debate, but the present legal climate exposes any man in a relationship to abuse from his partner and the current system. This aspect of the problem has gotten little if any attention.
Every aussie is familiar with the old story of a divorced man, usually over 50, finding a young wife in Indonesia or Thailand. It's an Australian social paradigm. It's the gold-digger story from down under.
And there is always serial monogamy, where the woman (or man) marries one person after another. Even more common is serial de facto. Then there's really no social stigma involved.
With the current prejudiced climate in the courts and socieity, especially when Intervention Orders are involved, it's not hard to imagine a new career path for women:
When you think about it, it works pretty well. It's almost a slam dunk every time, even if he has the money to spend on legal counsel.
The De facto Dumpster career.
Now, what might be the indicators?
Again, the plan would work best with men over 5o, I'd say. They're more established with careers, businesses, and possessions. And if they're divorced, they're probably lonely.
Also, men around that age begin to develop illnesses.
If you're trying to show the guy as an Abuser, disabilities make a man easier to condemn. After all, he may not be able to function as well, emotionally or physically, and that is fertile ground for blaming him. His own disabilities will work against him. He'll be frustrated and anxious about the changes in his life. -- Those frustrations and anxieties can be used to make him appear abusive. (I lived through this.)
The high earning period for a man is late 30's to late 40's, where his time day to day is often wholly occupied with his work and career. These men are vulnerable to a De facto Dumpster because they are committed to work and probably aren't paying as much attention to the home front. These guys are working all the time. A man in this stage of his life sees the problems at home as annoyances; things he has to endure while providing for his partner, or family, or future.
The woman is most likely an Abuser, or Victim/Abuser. Her addiction to abuse has probably resulted in a loveless marriage that ended. She leaves the marriage looking for "happiness", and that becomes her excuse for the serial abuse of men.
Or she may have had a history of short relationships, lasting 2-4 years; the time frame for the Lustful period of a relationship. A person addicted to abuse cannot form Limerance because they cannot love. They distrust love. That is the hallmark of the Victim/Abuser.
She would 'know' that the marriage was bad after 3-4 years, but stuck it out for the children. Again, she is abusive, but has martyred herself for her children -- and is therefore the Victim. The payoff is that "everyone" thinks she is noble for putting others before herself, but she hasn't: Her real joy comes from the abuse.
When she changes partners, she will always have a new partner waiting. This is not someone who needs the year or two to grieve for a relationship. This is someone who needs a new target for abuse.
In a strange twist of social expectations, abusive and rude behaviour by a woman is often dismissed as her "just being herself." Her new partner will take a few years to catch on.
Her relationships would be advantageous financially, and will last only a few years at most.
She'll probably enjoy the support of her children -- further alienating their father(s) -- while she searches for "happiness" from one man to another. She will be seen as a brave, strong woman by her co-workers and probably her children.
Most Abusers are well-liked and admired. Abusers need to keep their abusive behaviour in secrecy. The bitter duplicity is only obvious to the Victim.
One of the great advantages of Intervention Orders is that they are purposefully based on the assumption of guilt and perjury. It fits the abusive addiction perfectly.
She can move in with one man after another, take all that is accumulated together during the relationship, and even use the threat of further complaints and legal action for extortion -- and the law will support it wholly.
Intervention Orders have defined a new career path for women: the De facto Dumpster.
It makes you wonder about the number of de facto relationships.
Most of the Family Law debate centers around the fathers and their struggles to be a part of their children's lives. It's an intense, highly-moralized debate, but the present legal climate exposes any man in a relationship to abuse from his partner and the current system. This aspect of the problem has gotten little if any attention.
Every aussie is familiar with the old story of a divorced man, usually over 50, finding a young wife in Indonesia or Thailand. It's an Australian social paradigm. It's the gold-digger story from down under.
And there is always serial monogamy, where the woman (or man) marries one person after another. Even more common is serial de facto. Then there's really no social stigma involved.
With the current prejudiced climate in the courts and socieity, especially when Intervention Orders are involved, it's not hard to imagine a new career path for women:
- Move in with some guy
- Buy a house and some furniture
- Maybe have kids, but that's not a requirement
- Start a few arguments
- File Intervention Orders
- And she comes to control the house and possessions, while holding the man's reputation and career hostage.
- Sell off the valuables. (There's nothing he can do once he's out of the house anyway. The police won't bother her. The concept of equal protection under the law does not apply.)
- Use the Intervention Order process to publicly slander the man and extort an advantageous settlement.
- Move in with, or move in, the next guy and repeat.
When you think about it, it works pretty well. It's almost a slam dunk every time, even if he has the money to spend on legal counsel.
The De facto Dumpster career.
Now, what might be the indicators?
Again, the plan would work best with men over 5o, I'd say. They're more established with careers, businesses, and possessions. And if they're divorced, they're probably lonely.
Also, men around that age begin to develop illnesses.
If you're trying to show the guy as an Abuser, disabilities make a man easier to condemn. After all, he may not be able to function as well, emotionally or physically, and that is fertile ground for blaming him. His own disabilities will work against him. He'll be frustrated and anxious about the changes in his life. -- Those frustrations and anxieties can be used to make him appear abusive. (I lived through this.)
The high earning period for a man is late 30's to late 40's, where his time day to day is often wholly occupied with his work and career. These men are vulnerable to a De facto Dumpster because they are committed to work and probably aren't paying as much attention to the home front. These guys are working all the time. A man in this stage of his life sees the problems at home as annoyances; things he has to endure while providing for his partner, or family, or future.
The woman is most likely an Abuser, or Victim/Abuser. Her addiction to abuse has probably resulted in a loveless marriage that ended. She leaves the marriage looking for "happiness", and that becomes her excuse for the serial abuse of men.
Or she may have had a history of short relationships, lasting 2-4 years; the time frame for the Lustful period of a relationship. A person addicted to abuse cannot form Limerance because they cannot love. They distrust love. That is the hallmark of the Victim/Abuser.
She would 'know' that the marriage was bad after 3-4 years, but stuck it out for the children. Again, she is abusive, but has martyred herself for her children -- and is therefore the Victim. The payoff is that "everyone" thinks she is noble for putting others before herself, but she hasn't: Her real joy comes from the abuse.
When she changes partners, she will always have a new partner waiting. This is not someone who needs the year or two to grieve for a relationship. This is someone who needs a new target for abuse.
In a strange twist of social expectations, abusive and rude behaviour by a woman is often dismissed as her "just being herself." Her new partner will take a few years to catch on.
Her relationships would be advantageous financially, and will last only a few years at most.
She'll probably enjoy the support of her children -- further alienating their father(s) -- while she searches for "happiness" from one man to another. She will be seen as a brave, strong woman by her co-workers and probably her children.
Most Abusers are well-liked and admired. Abusers need to keep their abusive behaviour in secrecy. The bitter duplicity is only obvious to the Victim.
One of the great advantages of Intervention Orders is that they are purposefully based on the assumption of guilt and perjury. It fits the abusive addiction perfectly.
She can move in with one man after another, take all that is accumulated together during the relationship, and even use the threat of further complaints and legal action for extortion -- and the law will support it wholly.
Intervention Orders have defined a new career path for women: the De facto Dumpster.
It makes you wonder about the number of de facto relationships.
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Erin Pizzey has written about women who like to and live to create relationship 'drama' (to draw attention to themselves) and are equal - or more than equal - perpetrators of relationship and family abuse and violence.
http://www.bennett.com/ptv/
http://www.massey.ac.nz/~kbirks/gender/viol/ptv/ptv.htm
Prone to Violence
By Erin Pizzey
Erin Pizzey founded the first refuge for battered wives in 1971. As a result of that work there is now refuge all over the world. She is also a writer and a journalist. She has two children and two grandchildren from her first marriage. She has written: Scream Quietly or the Neighbors Will Hear, Infernal Child and The Slut's Cookbook.
The events and incidents referred to in this book are based on the authors' personal experience and information given to them. The names of the persons referred to in the text work have been altered and all reasonable steps have been taken to ensure that they are not identifiable.
DEDICATION
This book is dedicated to all the staff who were working with Erin in 1976, in particular to Anne Ashby who has been her friend and colleague for ten years and who is now the Director of Chiswick Family Rescue. With her capable hands she will guide this new project according to her own ideals and vision. We both wish her every success. Also to David Astor and Lord Goodman who have done so much for battered women and their children. Our thanks go, too, to John Pontin, and to the J.T. Group in Bristol, who have made it possible for our work to continue in this country.
Last but not least we would like to express with this Dedication our appreciation for all the hours of work put into Women's Aid by David Morris and Alan Cohen.
Separately we would like to give our thanks to our publisher's editor Peter Lavery for all his help.
CONTENTS
Authors' Preface 7
Introduction 9
Chapter One: The way we see it 15
Chapter Two: Is it Love or is it addiction? 35
Chapter Three: Children of Violence 58
Chapter Four: Till death us do part 92
Chapter Five: Which way now? 135
Appendix A: 1976 - 1977 Report from Chiswick Women's Aid 184
Appendix B: Observations on violence-prone families (New Society article, 1981) 221
Appendix C: Client's brief for an ideal refuge for problem families 229
Appendix D: Wife-torture in England (taken from a report by Frances Power Cobbe, 1878) 238
AUTHORS' PREFACE
The premise of our work is that every baby needs to feel love and happiness. A baby will bond these instinctive feelings to whatever people and situations are available. It is the birth-right of every child to be surrounded by nurturing and loving parents in an atmosphere of peace. In a non-violent family, a child grows up in such an atmosphere, and then, working from the secure base of being loved, will develop an independent and choosing self that is able to recreate happy love both in future relationships and with its own children. In a violent family, however, this birthright to love and peace is betrayed, because from the moment of conception the child lives in a world where emotional and physical pain and danger are always present. The child then bonds to pain. This bonding becomes an addiction to pain. The child then cannot grow to form an independent self, because he or she is slave to this addiction. Throughout life, the person then recreates situations of violence and pain, for those situations stir the only feelings of love and satisfaction the person has ever known.
Whether the children of violent families learn to find satisfaction through the inflicting or the receiving of emotional and physical pain, the violence that these people live on is merely an expression of pain. The role of the caring community is to undo this fundamental betrayal of people who have been emotionally disabled by their violent childhoods. By creating a loving environment in which deep internal work can be done to help violence-prone people to understand and to overcome their addiction to pain, these people can then learn to trust and be happy in love instead of pain.
This book records ten years of work in such a community, along with the techniques and insights gained through these years.
---
http://www.fathersforlife.org/fv/prone_to_violence.htm
The book they suppressed in England!
The emotional terrorist & the violence-prone, by Erin Pizzey
In spite of huge social services expenditures, Canada jails proportionally more youth than the U.S., many for violent crimes. Most come from violent or broken homes. How can we break the cycle of abuse-addiction-violence?
Billions are paid to the social service industry annually but many working there privately admit that money and social workers alone cannot solve these problems. The money relieves the burden of conscience of many individuals who have adapted and survived. With the old social and economic orders decaying and crumbling, however, we can no longer afford to ignore our jails bursting at the seams, and the Welfare State being complicit in the cycle of violence.
Eventually we will have to concentrate on an alternative strategy of love and hope for these problem families. Eventually we will have to abandon the model of idealizing the "victim", demonizing the "perpetrator" and politicizing the issues. Eventually we will have to explore an alternative strategy which is pragmatic, personal, and treats the whole family.
In this important book, suppressed in England, Pizzey argues that not every battered woman is simply a victim. To successfully reduce violence, Pizzy convincingly shows, workers must distinguish between the emotional terrorist, addicted to pain and provoking violence, and those truly seeking escape from violence.
This book is the successor to "Scream Quietly or the Neighbours Will Hear", the first book on wife battering. It is a challenging must read for all those dealing with family violence, policy-makers, family rights activists - anyone concerned about violence in society.
---
Erin Pizzey founded the first refuge for battered wives in 1971. From that beginning there are now women's shelters all over the world. Over a period of ten years, Erin Pizzey became involved with about 5,000 women and their children who came through her shelter. She is also a writer and a journalist. She has two children and two grandchildren from her first marriage. She has written: Scream Quietly or the Neighbors Will Hear (also done as a film of the same name), Infernal Child and The Slut's Cookbook. Pizzey's fiction writing includes The Watershed, In the Shadow of the Castle, The Pleasure Palace, First Lady, The Consul General's Daughter, The Snow Leopard of Shanghai, Other Lovers, Swimming with Dolphins, For the Love of a Stranger, Kisses, and The Wicked World of Women.
She has completed two world tours lecturing on domestic violence.
http://www.fathersforlife.org/pizzey/pizzey.htm
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