Something very obvious
Something that is very obvious in the courts, police, and social services is that they have not been adequately trained about the pathology of an abusive relationship.
The model that prevails, and produces such prejudice, is to treat a long-term abusive relationship as a rape. While a rape is certainly abuse, using the traumatic experience of rape to try to understand the evolving nature of an abusive relationship over many years is unprofessional, if not criminal.
Even more ludicrous is to use the rape model to understand child molestation, which occurs at some stage in the child’s development.
A simple, but effective way of understanding rape or child molestation is to say that personality ceases to evolve from the time of the incident, or incidents. The person carries this un-developed portion of their psyche with them for the rest of their life.
The most harmful myth that the courts operate on is that the victim (or Abused) is the first to report abuse.
In the real world, the Abuser is more likely to be the first because they need the courts to vindicate their abuse. An Abuser needs secrecy. If the abuse is about to be exposed, then they want to appear to be the Victim.
You’d think that after all the writings on the role of ‘Victim’; that it is no different than the role of User/Abuser, more professionals would be aware. Obviously, they have either not been trained in this rudimentary psychology, which everyone comes to learn from day to day life, or they have succumbed to the political pressures to ignore their own common sense and best judgment.
Why would the Abused not report the abuse first?
Because the Abused is still trying to protect the Abuser; is in love; or has a commitment to the relationship and seeks to see it through for the sake of the relationship (or possibly the children and others involved.)
We’re moving close to the concept of Stockholm Syndrome and enabling here, and I want to spell out the development of an Abusive Relationship. (see Erin Pizzy's online book, Prone to Violence )
The most likely person to be an Abuser is someone who was abused earlier in their lives.
To understand the acting out in an abusive relationship, look to the links under 'About Abuse' on the right panel.
Initial stage: Denial
Initially, the Abused ignores the abuse. Then the Abused starts making excuses for the Abuser:
Second stage: Self-defense
The Abused denies the Abuser. If the Abused has some maturity, they may try to describe the actions and words of the Abuser, in an effort to call upon the respect between people and the commitment to the relationship; hoping the Abuser will take responsibility for their actions – and change them.
The Abused may simply walk away from the Abuser when the abuse starts, hoping that the abuse will end.
The Abused may combine the first two tactics with an attempt to give too much respect to the hurtful words of the Abuser. S/he may try to answer all the senseless attacks and reversals of subject. This tactic follows from the excuses that have already been made (above).
This stage may make the Abused feel childish and petulant, helpless to communicate effectively with the other person. This is the beginning of depression if it hasn’t set in before.
Third stage: Reciprocity
The Abused tries to assert him/herself. The Abused assumes that the Abuser has defined a portion of their relationship, and seeks respect by copying the actions and words of the Abuser.
At this stage, there is no difference between Abused and Abuser. This stage may continue for years and find many manipulative and sophisticated means of expression and acting out from both sides.
Reciprocity becomes Competition, which may be seen as another stage.
The Abuser seeks to “win”, either by having the last, most-hurtful stinging line, or by being perceived as the Victim. Competition may become physical because of the frustrations of one or the other with not “winning.”
It should not be assumed that the man will become physical before the woman.
Final stage: Rejection
This stage may never be reached if both Abused and Abuser become trained and addicted to abuse.
At this point, the Abused rejects the words and acting out of the previous stage simply because s/he does not wish to continue to be abusive. The person recognizes that what they are doing is abusive, and wants to stop. (Only someone who is not by nature abusive can reject abusive actions sincerely.)
This will enrage an Abuser. They will see it as a loss of control; and they’re right. The Abuser no longer defines the means of communication. And nothing will frighten an Abuser more than this realization.
Unfortunately, the Abused may become physically ill because of the emotional stress of rejecting abusive words and actions.
They realize the relationship is over – unless a commitment to drastic action is made by both parties.
At any stage, but commonly in the last two, the Abused has to realize that s/he has a decision to make: Either both parties make a commitment to stop the abuse, or the relationship must end.
That is a horribly difficult decision to make if the person is in love, or has made commitments to the relationship and others involved. It doesn’t matter whether the person is Abused or Abuser, the advent of the end of a relationship is extremely difficult.
The most powerful feeling is one of deep, personal failure.
Any of these stages may last for months or even years. Reciprocity may become a habit within the relationship, with each person playing the Abuser or Victim at a given time. Both Abused and Abuser may become addicted to abuse.
At any point in the last two stages, the person may lose interest sexually, or simply avoid the other person. Because pain becomes associated with any contact, the two people may seem to live in different lives or worlds. This acting out is particularly difficult on children since they begin to feel they are being polarized between mother and father (or one partner over the other.)
How can a magistrate or judge discern the roles of Abused and Abuser?
The simplest and best answer is s/he cannot. There is no time in an adversarial court to discern the stage or affects of either Abused or Abuser.
For one thing, the attorneys are doing the talking, not the people who are being judged. And most often, the testimony is coaxed or coached, especially in the present political and social climate.
Mental illness
The most consistent factor in determining an abuser is that the person has been the victim of abuse earlier in their life. Can the court ask about such circumstances? No. And in such a public forum, there is no reason to expect that the person would answer honestly.
The common accusation is that the Abuser is mentally ill. In the current court system, the allegation of abuse is taken as proof the person is mentally ill.
The lawyers know this, and usually add at least an accusation of mental illness to the coached (prepared) testimony. They know that this is one of the things the court is looking for, a sort of checklist. And they know that since it is usually untrue, this allegation will come as a surprise in the courtroom.
For those that display the affects of mental illness, a few facts need to be considered.
Depression is a good example.
Cyclical depression occurs no matter what happens in a person's life.
But to be depressed because of the loss of a loved one, job, or relationship, is perfectly normal.
Often, such depression is accompanied by anxiety. Depression and anxiety is the combination that occurs when a person is burnt out from work, for example.
Can anyone within the strictures of a courtroom -- where testimony is often rehearsed and the attorneys do the talking -- determine any of these factors? Obviously not. Not even trained psychologists and psychiatrists would venture such diagnoses.
Personality types and age
There is a wide range of personality types. That a person seems agitated may be nothing more than their having an energetic personality; or possibly trained to that personality in another culture.
A young person will react differently than an older person. A person who has suffered a life-changing injury will have may affects which could be misconstrued as mental illness, especially if they have suffered abuse from their family or in their home.
For a judge to assume that such a person is immature, mentally ill, or dangerous is infantile; the sort of judgments most of us got past in adolescence.
And overlaying all these factors, is the fact that the magistrate or judge has no way of discerning where the parties are in the course of the abusive relationship.
Personality Disorders and the Addiction to Abuse
The nature of an Abuser is to be secretive. This is often described by the Abused as being "two-faced", a Jekyll-and-Hyde personality. The Abuser needs secrecy in order to maintain the facade that they are not abusive.
The goal of the secrecy is to prepare the way for the Abuser to be seen as the Victim; for the Abuser to take on the role of the User/Abused.
The Abuser is usually well liked and respected amongst co-workers and friends.
The Abuser can be likened to an addict that is addicted to abuse. Often the only quickly discernable indication of Abused versus Abuser is that the Abused has moved on to the Rejection phase, and the Abuser is determined -- or better, helpless before their own addiction -- to continue the abuse. (Unfortunately, too often the notorious prejudices of the Australian courts or family law system is where the Abuser chooses to continue the abuse.)
This secrecy may be a combination result of a Personality Disorder. These traits are part of two common diagnoses: Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Only a professional can determine the difference -- after long periods of observation and therapy.
Yet magistrates condemn people and whole families to lose their freedom of association, freedom of speech, and freedom of movement daily by the dozens on uneducated guesses.
For a judge or magistrate to make these decisions is irrational. They are not qualified, and the courtroom is simply not designed for it.
Psychiatric evaluation in Australia
At the very best, if one party of the other alleges abuse the magistrate should send both parties to psychiatric evaluation.
Usually, this sort of evaluation is only done if abuse is alleged towards the child. Even where the psychiatrists or psychologists determine that there are no indications of abuse, the magistrates rarely adjust their summations in any way.
History
If there is a question of physical abuse, the judge or magistrate may base a decision about abuse on a history of physical violence, of course.
But in most cases, there is no history. There is no record of either party going to the hospital or doctors with bruises or any other signs of abuse.
In most cases, there is no record of the police being called, whether a complaint has been filed or not. This may be the reason that Victorian police are being urged to file Intervention Orders in lieu of a complaint by one party or the other.
Despite the fact that even if the police find the man physically harmed, they will assume that he is the Abuser. The police are instructed to file interim Intervention Orders against the man even if there is no evidence of harm to either party. What reasoning is applied in those cases is beyond understanding.
In the courtrooms, Legal Aid offices, police, and even the courthouse clerks and 000 operators assume the man guilty of a wide range of abusive actions even if no evidence exists; or allegations of such actions have been made.
The police in Victoria are urged to file complaints against the man seemingly to conceal the fact that there is often no history. They are creating an excuse for the blind prejudice in the system.
Conclusions
If an allegation of abuse is made by either party, both parties and any children should be sent immediately for a complete, long-term psychiatric evaluation. The magistrate or judge should not render a judgment in any way, unless they are willing to accept that most of their judgments will be in error.
These errors are made because there is no effective oversight in Australia. The magistracy is subject to no oversight or enforced standards. They are free to exercise their prejudiced, ignorant judgments in any way they choose.
Hopefully someday the government and these magistrates will be held accountable for these abuses of civil power which result in so much suffering and abuses of human rights.
The model that prevails, and produces such prejudice, is to treat a long-term abusive relationship as a rape. While a rape is certainly abuse, using the traumatic experience of rape to try to understand the evolving nature of an abusive relationship over many years is unprofessional, if not criminal.
Even more ludicrous is to use the rape model to understand child molestation, which occurs at some stage in the child’s development.
A simple, but effective way of understanding rape or child molestation is to say that personality ceases to evolve from the time of the incident, or incidents. The person carries this un-developed portion of their psyche with them for the rest of their life.
The most harmful myth that the courts operate on is that the victim (or Abused) is the first to report abuse.
In the real world, the Abuser is more likely to be the first because they need the courts to vindicate their abuse. An Abuser needs secrecy. If the abuse is about to be exposed, then they want to appear to be the Victim.
You’d think that after all the writings on the role of ‘Victim’; that it is no different than the role of User/Abuser, more professionals would be aware. Obviously, they have either not been trained in this rudimentary psychology, which everyone comes to learn from day to day life, or they have succumbed to the political pressures to ignore their own common sense and best judgment.
Why would the Abused not report the abuse first?
Because the Abused is still trying to protect the Abuser; is in love; or has a commitment to the relationship and seeks to see it through for the sake of the relationship (or possibly the children and others involved.)
We’re moving close to the concept of Stockholm Syndrome and enabling here, and I want to spell out the development of an Abusive Relationship. (see Erin Pizzy's online book, Prone to Violence )
The most likely person to be an Abuser is someone who was abused earlier in their lives.
To understand the acting out in an abusive relationship, look to the links under 'About Abuse' on the right panel.
Initial stage: Denial
Initially, the Abused ignores the abuse. Then the Abused starts making excuses for the Abuser:
- S/he is still suffering from the stress of something;
- I just don’t understand all that (the Abuser) wants to say;
- There are (financial, family, social) pressures on him/her and that’s really not how they are;
- Or any number of excuses that are just a denial of the how the Abused is hurting.
Second stage: Self-defense
The Abused denies the Abuser. If the Abused has some maturity, they may try to describe the actions and words of the Abuser, in an effort to call upon the respect between people and the commitment to the relationship; hoping the Abuser will take responsibility for their actions – and change them.
The Abused may simply walk away from the Abuser when the abuse starts, hoping that the abuse will end.
The Abused may combine the first two tactics with an attempt to give too much respect to the hurtful words of the Abuser. S/he may try to answer all the senseless attacks and reversals of subject. This tactic follows from the excuses that have already been made (above).
This stage may make the Abused feel childish and petulant, helpless to communicate effectively with the other person. This is the beginning of depression if it hasn’t set in before.
Third stage: Reciprocity
The Abused tries to assert him/herself. The Abused assumes that the Abuser has defined a portion of their relationship, and seeks respect by copying the actions and words of the Abuser.
At this stage, there is no difference between Abused and Abuser. This stage may continue for years and find many manipulative and sophisticated means of expression and acting out from both sides.
Reciprocity becomes Competition, which may be seen as another stage.
The Abuser seeks to “win”, either by having the last, most-hurtful stinging line, or by being perceived as the Victim. Competition may become physical because of the frustrations of one or the other with not “winning.”
It should not be assumed that the man will become physical before the woman.
Final stage: Rejection
This stage may never be reached if both Abused and Abuser become trained and addicted to abuse.
At this point, the Abused rejects the words and acting out of the previous stage simply because s/he does not wish to continue to be abusive. The person recognizes that what they are doing is abusive, and wants to stop. (Only someone who is not by nature abusive can reject abusive actions sincerely.)
This will enrage an Abuser. They will see it as a loss of control; and they’re right. The Abuser no longer defines the means of communication. And nothing will frighten an Abuser more than this realization.
Unfortunately, the Abused may become physically ill because of the emotional stress of rejecting abusive words and actions.
They realize the relationship is over – unless a commitment to drastic action is made by both parties.
At any stage, but commonly in the last two, the Abused has to realize that s/he has a decision to make: Either both parties make a commitment to stop the abuse, or the relationship must end.
That is a horribly difficult decision to make if the person is in love, or has made commitments to the relationship and others involved. It doesn’t matter whether the person is Abused or Abuser, the advent of the end of a relationship is extremely difficult.
The most powerful feeling is one of deep, personal failure.
Any of these stages may last for months or even years. Reciprocity may become a habit within the relationship, with each person playing the Abuser or Victim at a given time. Both Abused and Abuser may become addicted to abuse.
At any point in the last two stages, the person may lose interest sexually, or simply avoid the other person. Because pain becomes associated with any contact, the two people may seem to live in different lives or worlds. This acting out is particularly difficult on children since they begin to feel they are being polarized between mother and father (or one partner over the other.)
How can a magistrate or judge discern the roles of Abused and Abuser?
The simplest and best answer is s/he cannot. There is no time in an adversarial court to discern the stage or affects of either Abused or Abuser.
For one thing, the attorneys are doing the talking, not the people who are being judged. And most often, the testimony is coaxed or coached, especially in the present political and social climate.
Mental illness
The most consistent factor in determining an abuser is that the person has been the victim of abuse earlier in their life. Can the court ask about such circumstances? No. And in such a public forum, there is no reason to expect that the person would answer honestly.
The common accusation is that the Abuser is mentally ill. In the current court system, the allegation of abuse is taken as proof the person is mentally ill.
The lawyers know this, and usually add at least an accusation of mental illness to the coached (prepared) testimony. They know that this is one of the things the court is looking for, a sort of checklist. And they know that since it is usually untrue, this allegation will come as a surprise in the courtroom.
For those that display the affects of mental illness, a few facts need to be considered.
- First is the fact that most mentally ill are only harmful to themselves. Less than 5% will actually harm another person.
- Second, the judge often assumes that the affects indicate a chronic mental condition, and punishes the person for it. Again, less than 5% of the mentally ill are harmful to others. But more importantly, there is no way in the courtroom to ascertain if the condition is chronic -- due to some chemical imbalance in the brain -- or reactive, due to the trauma of events in the person's life.
Depression is a good example.
Cyclical depression occurs no matter what happens in a person's life.
But to be depressed because of the loss of a loved one, job, or relationship, is perfectly normal.
Often, such depression is accompanied by anxiety. Depression and anxiety is the combination that occurs when a person is burnt out from work, for example.
Can anyone within the strictures of a courtroom -- where testimony is often rehearsed and the attorneys do the talking -- determine any of these factors? Obviously not. Not even trained psychologists and psychiatrists would venture such diagnoses.
Personality types and age
There is a wide range of personality types. That a person seems agitated may be nothing more than their having an energetic personality; or possibly trained to that personality in another culture.
A young person will react differently than an older person. A person who has suffered a life-changing injury will have may affects which could be misconstrued as mental illness, especially if they have suffered abuse from their family or in their home.
For a judge to assume that such a person is immature, mentally ill, or dangerous is infantile; the sort of judgments most of us got past in adolescence.
And overlaying all these factors, is the fact that the magistrate or judge has no way of discerning where the parties are in the course of the abusive relationship.
Personality Disorders and the Addiction to Abuse
The nature of an Abuser is to be secretive. This is often described by the Abused as being "two-faced", a Jekyll-and-Hyde personality. The Abuser needs secrecy in order to maintain the facade that they are not abusive.
The goal of the secrecy is to prepare the way for the Abuser to be seen as the Victim; for the Abuser to take on the role of the User/Abused.
The Abuser is usually well liked and respected amongst co-workers and friends.
The Abuser can be likened to an addict that is addicted to abuse. Often the only quickly discernable indication of Abused versus Abuser is that the Abused has moved on to the Rejection phase, and the Abuser is determined -- or better, helpless before their own addiction -- to continue the abuse. (Unfortunately, too often the notorious prejudices of the Australian courts or family law system is where the Abuser chooses to continue the abuse.)
This secrecy may be a combination result of a Personality Disorder. These traits are part of two common diagnoses: Borderline Personality Disorder and Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Only a professional can determine the difference -- after long periods of observation and therapy.
Yet magistrates condemn people and whole families to lose their freedom of association, freedom of speech, and freedom of movement daily by the dozens on uneducated guesses.
For a judge or magistrate to make these decisions is irrational. They are not qualified, and the courtroom is simply not designed for it.
Psychiatric evaluation in Australia
At the very best, if one party of the other alleges abuse the magistrate should send both parties to psychiatric evaluation.
Usually, this sort of evaluation is only done if abuse is alleged towards the child. Even where the psychiatrists or psychologists determine that there are no indications of abuse, the magistrates rarely adjust their summations in any way.
History
If there is a question of physical abuse, the judge or magistrate may base a decision about abuse on a history of physical violence, of course.
But in most cases, there is no history. There is no record of either party going to the hospital or doctors with bruises or any other signs of abuse.
In most cases, there is no record of the police being called, whether a complaint has been filed or not. This may be the reason that Victorian police are being urged to file Intervention Orders in lieu of a complaint by one party or the other.
Despite the fact that even if the police find the man physically harmed, they will assume that he is the Abuser. The police are instructed to file interim Intervention Orders against the man even if there is no evidence of harm to either party. What reasoning is applied in those cases is beyond understanding.
In the courtrooms, Legal Aid offices, police, and even the courthouse clerks and 000 operators assume the man guilty of a wide range of abusive actions even if no evidence exists; or allegations of such actions have been made.
The police in Victoria are urged to file complaints against the man seemingly to conceal the fact that there is often no history. They are creating an excuse for the blind prejudice in the system.
Conclusions
If an allegation of abuse is made by either party, both parties and any children should be sent immediately for a complete, long-term psychiatric evaluation. The magistrate or judge should not render a judgment in any way, unless they are willing to accept that most of their judgments will be in error.
These errors are made because there is no effective oversight in Australia. The magistracy is subject to no oversight or enforced standards. They are free to exercise their prejudiced, ignorant judgments in any way they choose.
Hopefully someday the government and these magistrates will be held accountable for these abuses of civil power which result in so much suffering and abuses of human rights.
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