What would you do?

I roamed out to the street this evening when I saw a few people gathering, and ended up looking at the moon in the clouds with a friend.
She said, "What would you do if Ob were to come up to you and say she was sorry? You know, that's a very aussie thing to do .. to try to be friends after a breakup."
I looked up a the moon a minute, then said, "Well, first of all, she has no use for me. There is nothing about me she values."
"She got back with her ex husband because he was a mechanic and she needed her car fixed. He hadn't even tried to see her for almost a year. She needed her car fixed." I shrugged, watching the moon. "She manipulated him by saying he wouldn't want his daughter being driven around in a broken down car. So she got him to work on her car for next to nothing."
"I don't do cars. She doesn't have any use for me."

"But what if she said she was sorry?", she said and looked at me.
"What could she be sorry for?," I had to laugh nervously. " How could she possibly be sorry for what she's done? -- What would I say to her?: How can you be sorry enough? You treated me like an unwanted dog in my own home when I was so crippled I was like an 80-year old man? .. You went to the courts and lied about me, and made Lob go with you?"
"You made the courts punish me for what you did?? You abused me when I was crippled and in daily pain! How can you possibly be sorry for that?? What could you possibly do to make up for it!??"

I had run this scene through my mind many times. I found myself lost in the imagination, remembering my own thoughts. I looked at my friend, "You know, I want to forgive her. I want to forgive her and Lob, and all of them. But I can't. The pain is still too real to me. -- All I can do is stay away from them."

"I've thought about this many times, " I told her. "I could see myself growing angry, saying: You want to be sorry? Then go to court, -- with Lob--, and both of you tell them what you did." "Tell them how you treated me."
"Tell them, in open court, that you lied to them and you made your daughter join you in the lies. Tell them you did it because you didn't want to fulfill your words and agreements."
"Tell them, on the record, that you did it all for money. For greed. That you were willing to continue your abuse and lies all the way into the settlement agreement. -- Tell them what a lie that crap about me being a 'boarder' really is!"

"Tell them you lied to your family about me. Put it all on the public record. -- And when you return from jail, ... then come here and tell me you're sorry."
"And then, you can figure out how you make up to me two years of abuse, throwing me out of my own home when I was still sick, .. " and my voice trailed off as my head began to ache. My eyes began to water.

I chuckled, eyes closed in pain, "No, she won't come say she's sorry. And if she did, what would she do to make up for all the hurt she's caused. -- Not just me, but for all her family.... She made her daughter fear and hate someone who never wished her anything but well. .. She used her own son's brain tumor to make him rage at me. ... I have no idea what crap she's told her younger son."

Looking at my friend again, "Someday I may forgive her, for my own sake. But there is nothing she could ever pay or do to make up for what she's done .. mercillessly, coldly .. knowing every moment what she was doing."
"And there is no way I want anything that evil in my life.", I said, eyes closed, letting the air out slowly.

I had to get off the topic. Just discussing it makes me physically ill.
I spent the a couple of hours visiting with the friend above, her husband and family.
Since getting out of that miserable relationship, I have a number of friends who like me for my talents and intelligence; who laugh at my jokes. One guy is more like a brother than a friend. I could even claim to have a couple of sisters.
Ob used to tell me no one liked me. She would ride me and condemn me for every time we went out. I was beginning to think I really was a social misfit. And it didn't help that illness kept me from attending parties or gatherings. -- Ob told her family I didn't come because I didn't like them.


Around this area, I can walk a few blocks and show the homes of others and their children who have suffered at the hands of abusive women. One man cares for his son every day. By court order, the boy is supposed to be in the custody of his mother. The mother stood in the court and said she didn't want him. So he lives illegally with his father.

Another man is literally beaten and verbally abused daily by his wife. She's much larger than him, and he doesn't fight back. He stays for his children. She has sent him to the hospital a half dozen times in the last two years. He knows even the hospital reports and police complaints won't matter if he goes to court.
He tried to get Intervention Orders to help. The court clerks laughed at him. The court disallowed the permanent orders.
Now he writes songs about his life.

Another, his wife leaves for a few months whenever their small business shows a profit. She is often drunk; and takes off with one of her drunken friends. He is left to take care of the business and their three children.
She returns when she runs out of money.
He knows if he divorced her, she would force the sale of the property and the business. Ridiculously, the courts would award her 70% of the proceeds and custody of the three children. So he stays.
He is severely disabled with diabetes, hypertension, and blood clots. One attorney told him the best he can hope for is that his wife dies in a car accident.

A divorced feminist friend tells me the courts are err-ing on the side of caution. They are trying to protect the children.

I think that makes a great line to cover a lot of abuse.