How to Have a Happy Marriage
(I found this reproducable article. It's perfect. All you have to do is reverse every recommendation here and it defines my former relationship. At this point, that statement only elicits wry laughter.)
How to Have a Happy Marriage
Copyright © 2005, Relationship Success Experts, Alan Stafford , All Rights Reserved
1. It starts with you
The happier you are with yourself and your life, the more
attractive you are to your partner. Another way to look at this
is: if you were someone else, would you marry you? Start today to
work on being the kind of person you would want to know, date,
and marry. If you're not that kind of person, how can you expect
your spouse to stay attracted or stay passionate?
2. There's you, there's him/her, and then there's we.
You don't have to give up your identity or be known as your
spouse's partner.
It also doesn't work when two people each do their own thing
without regard to their partner's wishes and feelings. Marriage
is, and should be, more than cohabitation. As the marriage vows
state, "two shall be as one". That "one" is neither you nor him.
The "one" is a third entity: the relationship, the marriage, the
"we".
The "we" is what you share, what you have in common, the
nurturing that cannot be provided on your own. Think
companionship, intimacy, and sharing.
3. Leave behind your emotional baggage
Are you really over your previous relationship? If not, you can't
fully commit to your spouse. Likewise, if you are still Daddy's
little girl or Mommy's boy, you are not in control of your own
life. Therefore, you cannot fully enter into an adult
relationship of mutual sharing and support. You can't be
accountable to your spouse if you have to keep pleasing Mommy or
Daddy.
4. Your marriage comes first
Marriage is the strongest bond between two people. Parents are
here and one day they are gone. Children grow into adults and
leave to start their own lives. Your spouse is only person who is
meant to stay with you the rest of your time on this planet.
Women who say their children come first are usually unable to let
their children grow up and become independent adults. Instead of
a mature adult-adult relationship, the roles are forever adult-
child. So the children never emotionally leave home and are
forever dependent on the parent.
These women are always surprised when their mates get tired of
being number two, and decide to leave for someone else who WILL
put them first.
5. Your marriage is your top priority.
You didn't get married to commute two hours a day, work at the
office 60 hours a week, and pay on a mortgage for 30 years. You
probably got married to share your life, your hopes, your dreams-
not your bills-with that special someone. During life's ups and
especially during life's downs, keep in mind why you married in
the first place. Not jobs, nor cars, nor your favorite sports
team. At one time, your partner was the most important thing in
this world to you. Act like it today and every day.
6. Don't compare
This holds true in your life as well as in your marriage. There
will always be a couple that seems happier, wealthier, sexier,
and more perfect than you two are. So what? Their happiness
doesn't increase or diminish your happiness. Neither does their
money, their jobs, their house, or their glamour. All that
matters is whether you and your spouse have created a
relationship that works for you.
7. Don't wonder "what if?"
Wondering what it would be like to be with another person-for a
night or for a lifetime-is self-delusion and is really unfair to
your spouse. You see other people socially when they are at their
best. You see your spouse when he/she is at his best, her
average, and sometimes at her worst. If you could swap mates,
guess what? You'd see that person at his/her worst, and you
probably wouldn't like what you see.
8. Realize that love can grow.
As much as you were in love when you got married, your love and
commitment to each other can grow over the years. Marriage can
get better, not worse, with time. The longer you've been married,
the more history you have together.The triumphs and
disappointments, the successes and the failures, all are part of
sharing a life together. And that history is unique to you. No
one else has that or can duplicate it. This is why a man who
leaves his middle aged wife for a younger woman eventually wants
to come back. With his wife he has a history-a shared past. With
the new woman there is only the present.
9. Commitment means no matter what.
It's as simple as making the decision to be totally committed to
your spouse and to the relationship. No matter what happens
financially, or health wise, or otherwise. No matter what. Once
the two of you have decided to stay "no matter what", there is no
question of stay or go, yes or no. Now the emphasis is on problem
solving. Write this down: all couples have problems. Happy
couples learn to deal with their problems. Unhappy couples
eventually just run away.
10. Believe that a happy marriage is not only possible, it's
yours for the making.
It won't happen by itself. It takes intention, commitment, and
practice. But the couples who have happy, blissful, and
satisfying marriages are proof that it is possible. Just choose
to be happy, and choose to be happily married.
How to Have a Happy Marriage
Copyright © 2005, Relationship Success Experts, Alan Stafford , All Rights Reserved
1. It starts with you
The happier you are with yourself and your life, the more
attractive you are to your partner. Another way to look at this
is: if you were someone else, would you marry you? Start today to
work on being the kind of person you would want to know, date,
and marry. If you're not that kind of person, how can you expect
your spouse to stay attracted or stay passionate?
2. There's you, there's him/her, and then there's we.
You don't have to give up your identity or be known as your
spouse's partner.
It also doesn't work when two people each do their own thing
without regard to their partner's wishes and feelings. Marriage
is, and should be, more than cohabitation. As the marriage vows
state, "two shall be as one". That "one" is neither you nor him.
The "one" is a third entity: the relationship, the marriage, the
"we".
The "we" is what you share, what you have in common, the
nurturing that cannot be provided on your own. Think
companionship, intimacy, and sharing.
3. Leave behind your emotional baggage
Are you really over your previous relationship? If not, you can't
fully commit to your spouse. Likewise, if you are still Daddy's
little girl or Mommy's boy, you are not in control of your own
life. Therefore, you cannot fully enter into an adult
relationship of mutual sharing and support. You can't be
accountable to your spouse if you have to keep pleasing Mommy or
Daddy.
4. Your marriage comes first
Marriage is the strongest bond between two people. Parents are
here and one day they are gone. Children grow into adults and
leave to start their own lives. Your spouse is only person who is
meant to stay with you the rest of your time on this planet.
Women who say their children come first are usually unable to let
their children grow up and become independent adults. Instead of
a mature adult-adult relationship, the roles are forever adult-
child. So the children never emotionally leave home and are
forever dependent on the parent.
These women are always surprised when their mates get tired of
being number two, and decide to leave for someone else who WILL
put them first.
5. Your marriage is your top priority.
You didn't get married to commute two hours a day, work at the
office 60 hours a week, and pay on a mortgage for 30 years. You
probably got married to share your life, your hopes, your dreams-
not your bills-with that special someone. During life's ups and
especially during life's downs, keep in mind why you married in
the first place. Not jobs, nor cars, nor your favorite sports
team. At one time, your partner was the most important thing in
this world to you. Act like it today and every day.
6. Don't compare
This holds true in your life as well as in your marriage. There
will always be a couple that seems happier, wealthier, sexier,
and more perfect than you two are. So what? Their happiness
doesn't increase or diminish your happiness. Neither does their
money, their jobs, their house, or their glamour. All that
matters is whether you and your spouse have created a
relationship that works for you.
7. Don't wonder "what if?"
Wondering what it would be like to be with another person-for a
night or for a lifetime-is self-delusion and is really unfair to
your spouse. You see other people socially when they are at their
best. You see your spouse when he/she is at his best, her
average, and sometimes at her worst. If you could swap mates,
guess what? You'd see that person at his/her worst, and you
probably wouldn't like what you see.
8. Realize that love can grow.
As much as you were in love when you got married, your love and
commitment to each other can grow over the years. Marriage can
get better, not worse, with time. The longer you've been married,
the more history you have together.The triumphs and
disappointments, the successes and the failures, all are part of
sharing a life together. And that history is unique to you. No
one else has that or can duplicate it. This is why a man who
leaves his middle aged wife for a younger woman eventually wants
to come back. With his wife he has a history-a shared past. With
the new woman there is only the present.
9. Commitment means no matter what.
It's as simple as making the decision to be totally committed to
your spouse and to the relationship. No matter what happens
financially, or health wise, or otherwise. No matter what. Once
the two of you have decided to stay "no matter what", there is no
question of stay or go, yes or no. Now the emphasis is on problem
solving. Write this down: all couples have problems. Happy
couples learn to deal with their problems. Unhappy couples
eventually just run away.
10. Believe that a happy marriage is not only possible, it's
yours for the making.
It won't happen by itself. It takes intention, commitment, and
practice. But the couples who have happy, blissful, and
satisfying marriages are proof that it is possible. Just choose
to be happy, and choose to be happily married.
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