Abusers, Abused and Victims.

(I originally posted this to the fathers4equality Yahoo group in response to a comment about the changing definitions of Abuse in Australian law, 28 April 2006.)

I've done a lot of research into abusive relationships because of what I've gone through.


The legal meaning of 'abuse' has been redefined repeatedly over the last decade or so in Australia. You will find a few pages about it in the Victorian Law Reform documents on the group, and in the testimony supporting the Equal Parenting debate.

One of the keys to recognizing an Abuser is the need for secrecy.
The Abuser is aware that their behaviour is not acceptable, so they will try to hide it. Abusive people are often well-liked in their jobs and even a circle of friends. The Abuser will always be nice and polite in public, but their behaviour changes dramatically in private.
It is a false sense of "keeping it in the family", since the Abuser is putting on a false front. S/he is manipulating the perceptions of others, even within the same household, that s/he is just "a nice person." Honest emotional reactions be being abused will be seen as abusive by others.
It may sound impossible or ridiculous that this can be acccomplished within a home, but this is an aspect of Parental Alienation Syndrome (PAS).

To begin, you have to realize that abuse is addictive, not only for the Abuser, but for the Abused. It is probably best classed as Personality Disorder, meaning it may be treatable with counselling without drugs, as simply a habit -- like smoking, alcohol abuse, drug abuse, or overeating.
I'm using those examples because none of those habits are easy to break. Neither is the habit of abuse.
They are all overcome by the same tools: Awareness, Determination, Practice (to form new habits), and one aspect that is often overlooked is the need for the person to make retribution to those they have harmed. (For a wider perspective, see http://alcoholism.about.com/ ) As you can see, breaking the habit of abuse is not easy.

Or it may require some medical treatment if the person needs help to avoid the impulse to abuse, a sedative or possibly other psychotropic drugs. Unfortunately, many women become addicted to abuse when they approach menopause or when they are going through menopause. This can happen to men, also.

PMS has become a social icon, but it also illustrates the psychological (meaning chemical) impulse to abuse.

Abusive relationships have a well-defined pathology.
At first, the Abuser is not seen as abusive by either side. The Abused simply goes into denial about the actions of the Abuser. That allows the Abuser to appear to not be abusive.

In time, the Abused feels they have to defend themselves.
Taking a page from any relationship, the Abused begins to mimic the actions of the Abuser. -- During this stage, it is impossible to distinguish between Abused and Abuser. Both are being abusive.

There is a real danger here: The Abused can become addicted to abuse.

It's a sort of Catch-22 though. If the Abused rejects conforming to the habits of the Abuser, the Abuser only becomes more abusive. There is only one answer at this point, the relationship must end. To preserve their own sanity, the Abused must stay away from the Abuser.

If the relationship continues, the Abused becomes the Victim. And the Abuser only becomes bolder in their abuse.

The role of Victim is just as addictive as the role of Abuser.

If the Abused forms the habit of abuse, then they both become Victim/Abusers.
There is no good choice until both acknowledge that they are both abusive and make the mature, determined effort to break the habit. (This is analogous to a woman warning you she's PMS-ing.)

To break the habit of abuse, it takes a commitment from all parties to be aware of abusive behaviour and to consciously avoid it.
Why do I say "all parties"?
Well, a couple (or even one parent) can teach Abuse to their children.

Although few outside AA know it, there are two main groups. There is Alcoholics Anonymous for the alcoholic; and there is Al Anon for the families and friends of the alcoholic -- the Enablers.

The classic example is a family sitting down to dinner, but the father (alcoholic) is missing. The older son (or daughter) goes out and finds his father blind drunk in a gutter, covered with scum.
The son brings the still-filthy father (the gender roles can be reversed, of course) to the dinner table, and a neighbor comes into the room.
The mother looks up at the neighbor and says, "You'll have to excuse my husband. He's been working on the car and didn't have time to change.", and all the family smiles happily and nods in agreement.
The neighbor might just sit down, bewildered, and have a "normal" meal with the family.
This may sound surreal, but things very similar happen all over the world daily.

The point is that Abuse is not just a problem for one person in a family, or group. It becomes a behavioural problem for all involved. (Think of the neighbor who sat down to dinner?)

Unfortunately, the law has not reached this level of understanding about Abuse.
The legal system has only begun to recognize other forms of abuse besides physical violence. In fact, as we have all seen, the legal system is stuck in a sort of grand denial telling itself that only a man can be abusive -- because he is (assumed) the most capable of violence.

The legal system has identified other types of Abuse, but they have no means to prove it, and all the prejudices still apply. A woman can claim any sort of abuse she likes and it is instantly taken as proven before the courts, while well-documented situations by a man are ignored and ridiculed.

If there is a goal for this group and all those involved in the Mens Rights movement, it is to educate the legal system. Sadly, this would all be unnecessary if the officers of the legal system would simply apply the concept of equal protections under the law ...

--Paul