Useful Psychology?

(This is part of my response to posts on the Yahoo fathers4equality group to two members, Simon and Jamie)

From my experience, I distrust drugs -- although I have to admit that they have their place in dealing with these problems.
The problem with drugs is that they are like chemically induced denial. They make the person feel better, but avoid dealing with the root causes of the problem. IF the drugs allow the person to seek out and deal with the issues that trouble them, then they are useful.

My Background

I was a trained volunteer in the CALWorks welfare-to-work project. I mentored individuals and families through the process of learning how to work.
I did the original website that helped Faith-WORKS become a nationall model in the US. I also did a Business-WORKS site, but that part of the effort was only locally successful.
Working with a group called Stillwater, I was a group home counselor and even organized and ran an ad-hoc AA group we called the "Wannabees". Because I was recovering, this work was wholly volunteer. I organized and counselled as a peer, not a professional -- but under the guidance of professionals.
Did this training help when I was dealing with (my ex)? Only barely. Part of the pathology of her disease was that she did not want to deal with reality. Even trying to make her acknowledge her abusive actions only frightened her deeply, causing her to label my attempts to help us both as attempts to control her.


Medical Model

The key problem here is the medical model.
A psychiatrist is a doctor trained in psychology. Doctors are trained to treat symptoms with drugs.

You take an antihistamine, for example, to clear up a runny nose. It does nothing to help cure the cold.

You're the Guinea Pig

Another issue that arises is when the doctor writes a prescription for psychotropic (mood-altering) drugs.
Each of these drugs affect different people different ways. The doctor is giving the prescription -- too often -- as an experiment to see if it will help you (the patient.)

What they don't tell you is that it is up to you to be aware of how the drug affects you and to report back to be sure it's working.
These drugs take from 2 weeks to 2 months to really take effect. It doesn't happen tomorrow or next week even. If you return to your doctor in a week and he asks you how the drugs are helping, realistically you shouldn't feel anything in most cases.
(In fact, many of these drugs cause nausea and disorientation for a while. THAT would be the accurate response to show the drug was *trying* to accomplish the desired effect!)

Now, if you go back in 2 months and report to the doctor or psychiatrist that you're feeling better, you've got a drug that works for you. If it isn't working, then you have to report that and try another drug.

-- Surprise: It's up to the patient to manage the drugs; not the doctor or psyhiastrist. There is some degree of self esteem to be earned in that fact, but most doctors (or psychiatrists) won't let you know.

Drugs only help

If you, as the patient, don't use the drugs to help you deal with the issues, you're wasting your time and money on the drugs.

Simon is right, IMO, in that most of these problems are related to:

1. self-esteem,


2. betrayal (by spouses, courts, too often children and society itself),


3. boundary issues (co-dependence),


4. and daily stress caused by loss of possessions, changes forced upon the person,


5. and financial strains (read: identity and self esteem again here)

These things are not simple issues. They are interrelated and complex. They take time to manage, and then overcome.
Finding closure is sometimes doubly difficult because of the children being involved.

To that degree, someone who is trained to see and focus on the issues is helpful. But they don't have to be a professional, anyone who has been through the process can do the same thing.
Many times, all the person needs is somewhere to vent. People are resilient. We all have the capacity to deal with these traumatic issues. The part played by a professional or friend is to help the person handle it.

Labelling

Labelling diagnoses (-- And Yes, it is labelling. --) like BPD, NPD, Depression, Anxiety and Abusive attitudes help by reassuring the person that what they see has been identified. If they can identify the pathology of the circumstances, it helps them in managing their reactions.
No one can manage the reactions of another person. (Trying to manage the reactions of another person is evidence of diseased thinking.)
Some disorders, such as bipolar disease, have to be treated with drugs. One of the ways to prove or disprove the existence of bipolar disease, in fact, is the need to manage moods with drugs.

Hopefully, the person who identifies a disorder in the other person doesn't just use it as a weapon. (I made this mistake.)

With enough love and patience, and treatment, sometimes these disorders can be overcome. And when I say that, I mean with another person or within yourself. The same words apply: love, patience, and treatment.


Just Yesterday

I am saying these things from my own experience. And they are in raw focus because of what a friend told me just yesterday over coffee. He told me of a long-term friend he had who had committed suicide.
The guy was smart, talented but never stuck to anything. He got bored with things.
He has three kids, and went through a divorce. He kept the younger child because the mother said the kid was too much for her. (Insert wrenching disgust here.)