Treat em mean
“Treat ‘em mean. Keep ‘em keen.” – Australian mother’s advice to her daughter about how to handle a husband (or boyfriend)
It’s telling the daughter to abuse her husband or boyfriend, of course, and it works. The daughter, who will later grow into a woman and teach the same actions to her daughter by word and example, will train her husband or boyfriend into the addiction to abuse. (see “Something very obvious” and Erin Pizzy’s book, “Prone to Violence”)
Her mother is using the authority of a parent to teach abuse. The authority of a parent is greater than the authority of God or law to a child, especially when it is reinforced by actions day after day.
No one questions such sayings. Many people learn to think in sayings like this. Without ever questioning them; or realizing that one saying often contradicts another.
When the contradictions are pointed out, the most common entendre is that a person learns when to apply what established wisdom.
This saying, seems to assume Australian men will not respond to positive reinforcement; and many men lament after long years that they never felt respected and appreciated in their marriages.
It’s not hard to see why.
What does a person feel when they’re verbally abused?
This prose is from an email circulating the Net:
The words are simple and profound. They express the feelings anyone, male or female, feels when they are abused by someone they love, and need to trust.
The words express the longevity of those feelings; how those feelings affect the person for years, and any relationship they may try to form.
A deep fear, so deep it cannot be reached easily; that affects every moment of every day – sometimes for the rest of a life.
Actually, this applies to physical or verbal abuse.
It doesn’t matter if the abuse is verbal or physical, or a combination. The scars remain forever. Like a deep wound, the only thing a person can do is learn to deal with the scarring.
Too often, the person refuses to acknowledge their wounds.
The demons lurk in every look and every word.
How do these demons show themselves?
Recently a discussion arose on fathers4equality about BPD – Borderline Personality Disorder.
BPD is said to effect 20% (one in 5) of Australians at some time in their lives, according to the factsheet on SANE Australia.
The factsheet states that women are more likely to be effected than men. A little further digging, and you'll see that women are 5 times more often diagnosed with BPD than men.
The factsheet seems to imply that BPD can be cured. From my volunteer training in the states, I know that it cannot. It can be treated and managed with drugs and therapy, but it is a chronic condition.
Practical affects of BPD
The most important affect of BPD is that the person re-invents reality almost instantly to suit any particular moment in their lives. It's not a matter of lying. A BPD person actually believes the new reality.
The new reality becomes permanent or semi-permanent. There can be many of them.
And every invented reality is real to them. "Normal" indications of lying don't apply. To the person, they are not lying -- although the real situation may be very different from what the person believes is real.
They keep them like masks that can be switched in an instant. In all BPD realities, the person is a victim; sometimes a very aggressive victim. (This can distinguish BPD from NPD, where the person aggrandizes themselves.)
BPD is often called the most vexing and difficult disorder to deal with for both professionals and family.
It can only be diagnosed and treated by a qualified professional.
In combination with abuse
One of the common characteristics of a borderline personality is reactive abuse – abuse in reaction to what others do or the situation. The reason is easy to see: the borderline personality needs to force others into their reality.
Sometimes a person can deal with this reactive abuse as they would anger or poor wording from any adult: point out the actions and make the person responsible for the results. An adult will realize what they’re doing and make appropriate adjustments to what they want to express.
If the person is addicted to abuse, however, this will only provoke more abuse.
If the abuse is rewarded by compromise or even just acceptance, the borderline may become addicted to abuse. One of the most important goals of therapy is to get the borderline personality to abandon their role as victim.
It can be startling to see how reasonable and relaxed a borderline personality can become when they let go of the role of victim.
It does not help when peer pressure or societal attitudes force a person to be cast in the role of victim.
Borderline personalities soon find themselves trapped in a painful empasse with those they love, and who love them.
Like most people who are mentally ill, a borderline personality sees the trust of those who love them as a given right to abuse. A borderline personality abuses the love and trust of those who love them. They need the acceptance and support of those close to them to an inordinate degree – beyond that which is considered “normal.”
Whether you judge this betrayal of trust as unconscious or intentional, it is still painful.
For a borderline personality, that means the loved one must share their reality. Therapists and family learn that sometimes they don’t have the energy to re-assert a common reality, and just go along. Both a professional and an experienced friend or family member know it is a mis-application of compassion, but sometimes it's all a person can do.
When that moment is combined with an addiction to abuse, however, going along will not spare anyone.
To a borderline personality, family and friends are a sort of body politic. If "everyone" goes along with their altered reality, then they know they are right.
Sooner or later, others show that they do not share the same perceptions, and the borderline is trapped. In frustration, they seek to manipulate feelings to force or punish. This becomes a deeper form of abuse.
In frustration, the borderline will act out all sorts of irrational accusations and scenarios to show that they are being victimized; when in fact they are abusing.
Paul Donley
It’s telling the daughter to abuse her husband or boyfriend, of course, and it works. The daughter, who will later grow into a woman and teach the same actions to her daughter by word and example, will train her husband or boyfriend into the addiction to abuse. (see “Something very obvious” and Erin Pizzy’s book, “Prone to Violence”)
Her mother is using the authority of a parent to teach abuse. The authority of a parent is greater than the authority of God or law to a child, especially when it is reinforced by actions day after day.
No one questions such sayings. Many people learn to think in sayings like this. Without ever questioning them; or realizing that one saying often contradicts another.
When the contradictions are pointed out, the most common entendre is that a person learns when to apply what established wisdom.
This saying, seems to assume Australian men will not respond to positive reinforcement; and many men lament after long years that they never felt respected and appreciated in their marriages.
It’s not hard to see why.
What does a person feel when they’re verbally abused?
This prose is from an email circulating the Net:
When you say things like that,
I feel defensive, hurt, angry, blamed, attacked and frustrated.
I don't feel safe anymore.
I don't trust you not to hurt me again.
Because I don't trust you, I feel like I have to protect myself.
I detach emotionally so I won't get hurt again.
In protecting myself, I can't be vulnerable.
Since I can't be vulnerable, I can't establish emotional intimacy.
I don't want to be physically intimate with someone with whom I'm not emotionally intimate.
I don't want to have sex with someone without emotional intimacy.
It will take me a while without abuse before I can feel vulnerable.
It will take me a while without abuse before I will feel safe
It will take me a while without abuse before I will feel trust.
It will take me a while without abuse before I don't feel like I have to protect myself.
The words are simple and profound. They express the feelings anyone, male or female, feels when they are abused by someone they love, and need to trust.
The words express the longevity of those feelings; how those feelings affect the person for years, and any relationship they may try to form.
A deep fear, so deep it cannot be reached easily; that affects every moment of every day – sometimes for the rest of a life.
Actually, this applies to physical or verbal abuse.
It doesn’t matter if the abuse is verbal or physical, or a combination. The scars remain forever. Like a deep wound, the only thing a person can do is learn to deal with the scarring.
Too often, the person refuses to acknowledge their wounds.
The demons lurk in every look and every word.
How do these demons show themselves?
Recently a discussion arose on fathers4equality about BPD – Borderline Personality Disorder.
BPD is said to effect 20% (one in 5) of Australians at some time in their lives, according to the factsheet on SANE Australia.
The factsheet states that women are more likely to be effected than men. A little further digging, and you'll see that women are 5 times more often diagnosed with BPD than men.
The factsheet seems to imply that BPD can be cured. From my volunteer training in the states, I know that it cannot. It can be treated and managed with drugs and therapy, but it is a chronic condition.
Practical affects of BPD
The most important affect of BPD is that the person re-invents reality almost instantly to suit any particular moment in their lives. It's not a matter of lying. A BPD person actually believes the new reality.
The new reality becomes permanent or semi-permanent. There can be many of them.
And every invented reality is real to them. "Normal" indications of lying don't apply. To the person, they are not lying -- although the real situation may be very different from what the person believes is real.
They keep them like masks that can be switched in an instant. In all BPD realities, the person is a victim; sometimes a very aggressive victim. (This can distinguish BPD from NPD, where the person aggrandizes themselves.)
BPD is often called the most vexing and difficult disorder to deal with for both professionals and family.
It can only be diagnosed and treated by a qualified professional.
In combination with abuse
One of the common characteristics of a borderline personality is reactive abuse – abuse in reaction to what others do or the situation. The reason is easy to see: the borderline personality needs to force others into their reality.
Sometimes a person can deal with this reactive abuse as they would anger or poor wording from any adult: point out the actions and make the person responsible for the results. An adult will realize what they’re doing and make appropriate adjustments to what they want to express.
If the person is addicted to abuse, however, this will only provoke more abuse.
If the abuse is rewarded by compromise or even just acceptance, the borderline may become addicted to abuse. One of the most important goals of therapy is to get the borderline personality to abandon their role as victim.
It can be startling to see how reasonable and relaxed a borderline personality can become when they let go of the role of victim.
It does not help when peer pressure or societal attitudes force a person to be cast in the role of victim.
Borderline personalities soon find themselves trapped in a painful empasse with those they love, and who love them.
Like most people who are mentally ill, a borderline personality sees the trust of those who love them as a given right to abuse. A borderline personality abuses the love and trust of those who love them. They need the acceptance and support of those close to them to an inordinate degree – beyond that which is considered “normal.”
Whether you judge this betrayal of trust as unconscious or intentional, it is still painful.
For a borderline personality, that means the loved one must share their reality. Therapists and family learn that sometimes they don’t have the energy to re-assert a common reality, and just go along. Both a professional and an experienced friend or family member know it is a mis-application of compassion, but sometimes it's all a person can do.
When that moment is combined with an addiction to abuse, however, going along will not spare anyone.
To a borderline personality, family and friends are a sort of body politic. If "everyone" goes along with their altered reality, then they know they are right.
Sooner or later, others show that they do not share the same perceptions, and the borderline is trapped. In frustration, they seek to manipulate feelings to force or punish. This becomes a deeper form of abuse.
In frustration, the borderline will act out all sorts of irrational accusations and scenarios to show that they are being victimized; when in fact they are abusing.
Paul Donley
posted by Unknown at
7:17 PM
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1 Comments:
It's worth pointing out that the reason 5 times as many women as men are diagnosed as BPD may simply be that more women seek professional help.
The social stigma against men seeking professional help is powerful, especially in Australia.
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Unknown, at 7:56 PM
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