Irony is the Splice

Irony is the Splice of Live
(Splices rarely hold)

A few times over the course of our 4+ year relationship, I’d turned to different members of Ob’s family – her older son, her sister, even her daughter – to tell them that the person they dealt with was not the one I did.
Ob’s face could change from a light-hearted, bubbly smile to a black scowl in an instant, literally. Looking out into a room full of people, she would be nearly glowing; when her face turned back to me, that bitter scowl would take my breath away.
I would be thinking it was good to see her smiling; that it was good for her to have her family around her; and then she’d turn away from them and look at me.
The irony is I often instigated visits by her sons and their partners.

Over time, Ob’s daily abusive attitude began to wear on me.
At first, I told myself it was just her way of expressing herself; then that she would grow out of her rude tone and words as our circumstances improved; and a hundred other excuses – all just expressions of love eroding into denial.
Finally, I said to her, “Why are you talking to me like that? There’s no reason for that tone of voice.” She would look at me strangely, as if I’d just landed from some alien planet.
I’d point out what she had said and how she had said it, trying to make her aware of her own actions. I was assuming that any adult could control the way they expressed themselves. Unfortunately, that assumes the adult wants to change the way the other person reacts or perceives them.
“You know, even in an intimate relationship, there is a need for common courtesy. That’s (her ugly tone) isn’t necessary.”
Many times the look would just be a repugnant sneer. Sometimes she’d feign ignorance and say, “Don’t be schhtoopid.”

I’d realized that her tone was changing my feelings for her. I was reluctant to even try to speak to her. Adult to adult, you cannot change another person. You can, if you are willing, try to make them aware of behaviour that is inappropriate and hope that they will try to adjust what they do.
I was willing. I had made a commitment to this relationship.
These exchanges went on for over a year. Ob at times would have to acknowledge that her tone was unnecessary, and even rude. – Her reaction was to resent it.
Now, somewhere in here it would be reasonable to expect that I’d catch on, but I didn’t. I remember the phrase ringing in my head for months: “Denial is more than just a river in Egypt.”

Finally, after more than a year of these exchanges, which were often followed by Ob leaving the house; or just becoming sarcastic and bitterly cruel, one day she looked at me and said, “You know. You’re right. You do deserve common courtesy.”
I was flabbergasted (aussie: gobsmacked), but happily surprised.
I was close to giving up on all this adult communication stuff.

It lasted about a week.